A Pesky Thing Called Guilt
Guilt. What a pesky thing. I feel that so much time is spent on guilt for things we do not need to feel guilty for, but do because of societal norms, judgment, pressure from others, and wrestling with what we truly want for ourselves but giving in to the opposing external noise. This is how you become the biggest offender of your own guilt, by going against what you know to be true for yourself in order to avoid disappointing others, confrontation, criticism, judgment. There is nothing to gain from this, but unnecessary guilt.
The guilt that others try to force upon you is not yours to take. You’ve got to stand guard for yourself and let them know you’ve heard them and you chose to do what you felt was best. Many feel they are owed an explanation because they don’t agree with your decision. Know that you do not owe them anything.
When my father passed two years ago, I already had a much-needed vacation planned and wanted to stick with it. I spent a week with my mom helping her go through his belongings and sort some things out. I then spent the following week with a friend unwinding from all that had happened and taking a break from a job I disliked. It felt right to give myself some time in between being with my mom and dealing with my dad’s passing, and returning to my daily life.
There was a moment in which guilt tried to enter, from the external noise. I made sure to check in with myself and acknowledged that sticking to my planned vacation felt right for me. My sister was still with my mom for another week afterwards, so she still had help. I didn’t know when I’d have time to take a vacation again as my boss wasn’t one for granting a lot of time off. So I took the two-week leave of absence. I had myself to take care of too. And that’s the thing. We often forget that we have ourselves to take care of as well in the midst of what life throws at us. To outsiders our acts can be labeled as selfish, which brings on the unsolicited guilt. It is not necessary.
Later on, my mom made comments about how I should have stayed with her. She tried to make my decision about her, and how she felt abandoned. I appreciated her sharing and acknowledged she had a right to her feelings. I told her my decision wasn’t about her and was a decision made based on what I needed to do for myself, for my well-being. I needed the time to decompress before returning to my regular daily life, rather than just jump back in.
The biggest mistake you can make around guilt is to allow it to eat at you when you know you have made the right choice for yourself, but others keep trying to make you feel that you have done something wrong. Each of us has our own way of dealing with life’s events. At the end of the day, you need to listen to what your soul needs and be true to yourself. When you betray yourself to avoid how others may treat you, guilt can eat at you for not honoring your needs, your well-being.
To some my decision may seem selfish. Yes, my mom needed me and I was there for her. But I also needed to be there for myself, and so I was. It is not something I expect my mom to understand and I don’t need her to. I chose to honor her needs as well as mine rather than only honor hers and put mine to the side. For me, it felt like the right balance—the right decision. To this day I am glad I made the decision I did. I have no regrets.
Be kind. Don’t lay unnecessary guilt on yourself, and do not take on the guilt others try to lay on you. Do not cave in to the external noise. Instead, connect with and listen to your internal voice and do what you need to.
LYF 💖
REFLECTION: In which situations do you most often take on unnecessary guilt? Why?